Why Live in Reality....
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Chantalle" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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01:35 am
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well ok. . . .
i think i just should have stayed home tonight. i havent felt this bad in a long time. talk about feeling you dont have a best friend.
Current Mood:  crappy
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02:11 am
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can i be your hero?. . .
This my friends is not a entry to bitch. Gosh i noticed i did that a lot. yea the same things that bothered me then are bothering me now but i dont feel like bitching about it today. I'll instead just write about my day. Well i got up around 11:30 now for all of those out there who know me this my friends is early buuut i wasnt complaining. My mom just got home and brought me back some eggs not my fav but w,e. After recieving a nice "im" from peter last night i decieded to go and vist him at work. I threw my hair up and picked up some clothes from my chair and made my way over to vitamen world. It was strange to be there (flashbacks and all). I stayed there at least till 6:30ish. I talked w/ peter and i helped him change the signs in the store and closed it w/ him. It was nice just to spend some buddy time alone (we never get to do that). kim called me and i went to get her at work. she brought me a yummy soda that she mixed up herself. I dropped her off and made my way home. I didnt do much after that i bascially finished watching Batman Begins (which i loved being that he is my fav superhero) and had dinner w/ mom. Alison called me and i was fine but then i dunno why (well maybe i do) i got all emo and shyt. i imed alison and blake too. the min kim called she asked if i was tired i said no i said i was a little emo and she aked why. . . that is when i lost it. i just started crying all over the place. Honestly i just cry a river build a birgide and GET OVER IT! lol buuuuut i didn't. Alison told me to get ready that it was time for me to leave the house. she came and got me and we went to get her something to eat. we sat and talked for a while ( sry ali that u had to listen to the same bull shit for like the millionth time). kim called and she said her gerbil was fine and might be a girl and might be pregnant. this is when we discussed how weird it was that they eat their own babies. " mom what are you doing w/ that BBQ sauce?. . . "maranating youuuu" lol ewwww. we got kim and met up w/mel and her cousin Janine who we all love cause she is such a sweatheart. we talked for a bit then parted where i drove ali's car we ended just chillin in ali's car in my grandma's neighborhood just talked for a few hours. about what you ask. . . world issuses, philosophers, ways to better the earth. . .of course not guys wut else lol. we came to a few conclusions none which helped me out w/ my issues as im sure none of ali's and well maybe some of kim's lol. i came home and now im writing this and then going to go read. . . yes thats right Harry Potter cause i love it and thats just plain ok with me. . .
Current Mood:  indecisive on my mood
Current Music: Butch Walker- Mixedtape
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02:30 pm
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its begining to look a lot like. . . the past
I dunno if its just me but it feels like things are moving back towards the past. Now this may be confusing considering all i used to say is how "i wish things could go back to there way they were" and "how i was never happier then i was then" but im not exactly happy about it all. Life shouldn't ever go back but only forwards. I also cant help but feel like im gonna get lost again. When people are happy and don't need me to be there for them to reassure them that things are gonna be ok they tend to forget about me. Im really getting sick of it. I would, for once, like to be somewhat important and not used. Now this doesn't include the chids. they are there for me no matter what. Especially when those other friends throw me out then bring me back when its convenient. I would really just like some reassurance myself from these certain people for once. Enough of that . . . school is kicking my ass it owns my soul and im sooo tired of it. I feel like there is no fun time for chan to go out and play. I just keep thinking that it will all be over in a few weeks and i cant wait. But at the same time im sad that im losing my classes with some really cool people. I know i will talk to Jessica cause he is really awesome. But then there are those others. This takes me to a new topic. . . ohhh boys. Sometimes its too many and other times its not enough lol. but i guess its like that for most of us. There are three that are particularly on my mind. yea like life isn't confusing enough lets just add guys into the equation. Two of them are kinda new and i cant stop thinking about both of them. I feel like a dork i talk about them all the time. The other one is something i would like to just forget (im sure we all have one of those too lol). uuugggghhhhhhh. . . basically lol. its snowing and well my brakes are shot. im def gonna hit into a tree lol. that's all i would need. Its Christmas time . . . i get excited then i get sad. I cant stress how messed up i am at the moment. Im trying to be really happy and well i am but then the mind starts thinking and thoughts are not always good. The "what ifs" start again. honestly its nothing but a waste of time . . . when will i learn? do we ever learn? do i really want to learn? or is it easier to just say its too hard?
Current Mood:  contemplative
Current Music: Bon Jovi- Complicated
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11:18 pm
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im baaaaaaaaccccck muahahahaha
so i got up from my "nap" today in a really mad/sad/depressed mood. I was listening to some Buddahead (which i LOVE) and well these lyrics kinda got to me. Sometimes it like the songwritter knows exactly how I feel. . . I've been trying to walk out of my past.
Left behind I'm always the last.
I think it's time to let go of this fear
And try to find a way out of here.
~I've got to clear out my head from this mess.
It brings me down and leaves me in stress.
I think that with you I made a mistake.
Now I'm motionless in empty space.
Were you scared to be closer to me?
What did you fear?
I let you near but you brought me down here.
Don't you see how everything's holding me back.
Don't you see now everything's holding me back.
I've been hurt, I've been burnt, you could be helping me out.
Don't you see now you're the one holding me back.
You were the one who gave me reasons to try.
The one who left me with anger inside.
I heard your need for me had been replaced
From someone else when you lied to my face.
Were you scared to be closer to me?
What did you fear?
I let you near but you brought me down here.
Don't you see how everything's holding me back.
Don't you see now everything's holding me back.
I've been hurt, I've been burnt, you could be helping me out.
Don't you see now you're the one holding me back.
I just wish it all away.
You just take a piece of me and keep running further.
Will you ever go away?
You don't really wanna stay even though you come closer to me. . . .
enough said!
Current Mood:  cranky
Current Music: yea Buddahead
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06:53 pm
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so here i am again. . . .
Well, I just remembered I had one of these things. Too much as has gone on its impossible to rehash it all and well some of it id like to forget. Its Monday and kinda grose out but chillaxing after a weekend on Conn. w/ some chidz. It was sooo pretty there and lots of new memories. im getting ready for Kim's party in a few. kinda not excited a little blah actually maybe when im there my mood will lift. i guess im just feeling sorry for myself. ill be over it in a few days. loneliness is the worst feeling i can describe. i just want to be important to someone like they are to me. and i guess i just need to be told that im loved w/out asking or bringing it up. it just seems to be hard for the people in my life to do that w/ me. w,e school is coming up and i think im just gonna throw myself into that and try and ignore everything else in my mind. but as for now its shower time . . . later
I wish I could just let go of certain people like that can w/ me. . . . .
Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: A.F.I ~ Paper Airplanes
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01:25 pm
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Well overall. . . .
This was a pretty good birthday thanks to the fam, kim, jenn, dave ( and friends), kirs, mel,ali, kel, nessa, and nisha. My friends were DEF there for me. This wasnt just a one day event it was a whole weekend thang. Starting friday night when jenn and dave got me cake at her party and everyone sang to me. Then nessa called me at work to make sure she said happy b day to me right when it was 12. Everyone was really nice and kept me laughing all night (thanks Dave and his arm on fire and dob teaching jenn's bro about "how to get it done" LMAO). Sat mommy was home all day w/ me and i started my day VERY early. I got calls, ims, and commets all over the place. It made me feel loved. There was somewhere in my mind that maybe he would have done something to show that i wasnt nothing. . . but he didnt. . . and now i know. the fam came over for mmmmm cake. I missed Tanya being there :( but she is recovering nicely. then the whole bunch of chids came out to dinner woot woot. even tho the wait was forever ti me it was worht it just to be w/ all of them. As if this doesnt sound like enough we went bowling were i did better then i ususally do. we came back to my house and just talked about soooo many memories. i couldn't control the laughter just picturing Falco running to get the soccor ball to throw it at Mr. Gunter. wut wut Ganja Bus. . . . my new anthem.Sunday was just as nice when me, kim, ali, and nish met up w/ jenn, dave, and the gang to go cheap bowling. My game was BAD lol. Everyone was Chan that night (nish, kim, mike...). Then me, kim, and ali came back to my house just to chill we were all sooo tired. I shotrly passed out after they left and here i am today ( i took off from school) just thinking and listening/ dancing to music alone in my room lol. Im kinda at the point where i just dont know anything anymore. What i used to trust in is gone. im now 19 and losing hope. I need someone to chage my pespective before i lose that small glimmer of hope for the future.
" nothing ventured is nothing gained" (got it from Kim)
I feel that i have faught long and hard to try and save and hold onto the love and friendship that i once had. . . but now i just had to let it go. . . even tho its killing me.Whether is was a friendship of less then a year or a 7 year friendship. I dont know why i am being tested so much lately. Im not indestructible. Sometimes i think its hard for people to see that i am a person too. One that gets hurt, cries, and yes needs attention. I miss you already </3
Current Mood:  im okay but a little sad
Current Music: Cypress Hill & Damien Marley~ Ganja Bus
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01:17 am
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Happy Birthday. . . .
I FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO ONE!!!!!!!!!!! you wanna talk about feeling alone and frustrated. My life has been hell for the past 3 months. I feel like an idiot and im soooo tired I don't wanna deal w/ anyone or anything. I know my friends say that they feel like they understand how I feel and I know that they are there for me. but Im not even here for me. I have been putting on my happy face for sooo long I don't even know wut the real thing looks like. I wish my problem was a crush or a guys nope never that simple anymore. lets see . . . feeling worthless, unimportant, an annoyance, empty, cold, sad, lonely, confused, crazy, wrong,. . . ohhh the list goes on. This my friends is a self loathing entry. Certain people in my life and some who were once in my life have changed me. I have been told soooo many times to forgive and look on the positive side. . . . the positive side of what may I ask?! No matter how I change to try and please people its NEVER enough and now I feel like I cant even find who I was before I ever listened to them. Biggest mistake of my life. Lets see. . . . well I have like no best friends at the moment. Blake? nahhh couldn't stand me anymore (Pete," He's the same old Blake") hmmm yeahhh no just not to me hahaha funny right. Patrick is a stranger and Kim well I just don't know anymore ohh and jenn is in there too. The value of friendship doesn't seem to mean as much to other people. Maybe I just care too much (that's prob. it). its my 19th b day and well at the moment I wish I was never born at all. Im not seeing Green Day AGAIN . . . figures. Alison seems to be not talking to me and well I really don't know y. Im gonna fail math (and I cant afford to). My grandpa's dying and I wonder if my own dad will even remember my birthday. Maybe I was wrong today. Sometimes you just wanna hold your breath until u cant feel anymore. Im done w/ all my mistakes . . . ill leave w/ a question that I asked mel tonight "When do you stop forgiving?" maybe when everyone takes each part of whatever is left of your soul and personality. . . . and there ok and fine and ur left a shell of the person u once where?
Current Mood: bitter
Current Music: Nine Inch Nails~ The Hand That Feeds
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04:13 pm
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I just really liked these lyrics
There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
So what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god wouldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
Current Mood:  content
Current Music: Weezer~ Mykel and Carli
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06:10 pm
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so i still have this thing. . .
well well now where do i start? Things have been a little out of control lately. I have never been more disapointed w/certian people in my life then i am at the moment. School is out of hand and this spring break went wayyyy too fast! I dont wanna go back but at least ill be done by the 1st week of may. lately people have been playing the in and out game. There in my life when its good for them and out when they dont need me. Im not really sure when i became people's toy that they can put away when they get bored of it. also this whole bf and gf bullshit is really making me sick. im sooo tired of everyone getting a bf or gf and forgetting everyone else who was in their lives. it really is sad. you would think i have more to say but about my life and wuts been going on. i really dont. im going to see some awesomw bands: green day, weezer, brand new, and sooo many more. I have to say thats one of the only things keeping me sane. I guess the question i have is when do you know who to let in and who not to? i apparently have no idea. . .
Somewhere in this lonely game of sympathy there is a selfish dream
That makes me sick
Standing on the high wire while you're on the ground
To you what is dangerous is safe and sound...
You let me down
Current Mood:  annoyed
Current Music: Depeche Mode ~ enjoy the silence
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08:46 pm
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R.I.P. Laryssa Falkowski 1.18.05<3
Today i started school again for my 2nd semister and i went through my classes and froze my ass off. The day was ehh not bad but i was glad to come home. I came home to get one of the worst calls of my life. It was kim i was wondering how she knew i was home considering i said i would call her. She was whispering and I asked her why she was and i asked if she was ok. She said she was fine. I proceeded to ask her if someone was sleeping or she was cold or tired. She answered no im ok. At this point i had no idea wut was going on. my mom beeped in and i was like ohh hold up kim. I talked to my mom and she said to call her if i was going out.I said ok and that im prob not and going to go laydown. I go back to kims call and she was again whispering. She asked me if i had spoken to ali. I was like NO WHY? i just got home. Kim started to cry hysterically and i couldnt understand her. All i heard was Jon, car accident, and dead. I was trying to stay clam to get some info outta her. She finally calmed down and told me that Jon had been in a bad car accident this morning and the girl Laryssa in his car had passed away. She said that Jon was in critical condition. We found out what hospital he was in and all met up to go. We got to Nassau Community Hospital and got to the information desk. the lady was like the 18th floor? and we siad jon castoro she said yea the 18th. a man who worked there was like wow he must really be some kid. I said yea we all love him very much. We went up in the elevator and got up there. We walked out and there were kids everywhere. We walked over and Brian came out to us. He told us to come on in. We waited a while Jon was talking to Laryssa's bf. As we were walking in to see Jon i started to cry hysterically at a glimpse of him. I walked over to the wall and broke down. Brian came over to me and told me that it was ok and that jon was ok and that he was sorry and i couldnt even speak to tell him that i was the one who was sry. I held him tight and he rubbed my head. I held it in and walked into the room where yet again i broke down and made jon cry. I didnt mean to but i just couldnt hold it in looking at him. His mom came over and hugged me. I walked out and cried some more. We all waited my hands were shaking. I was amaized at how many kids were there from HHS. We all went in one more time to say goodbye. I looked at him and i laughed and he smiled and i told him i was better now. I gave him and hug and a kiss and told him i loved him and that when he was all better we all are going bowling and he was gonna like it lol. Jon i love you and this scared the hell out of me....we all need you to get better.
Dear Laryssa. . . i didnt know you well but your name will always be in my prayers. Your were young, kind, smart, and beautiful and will forever be missed
~Angels are the guardians of hope and wonder, the keepers of magic and dreams. Wherever there is love, an angel is flying by. Your guardian angel knows you inside and out, and loves you just the way you are. Angels keep it simple and always travel light. Remember to leave space in your relationships so the angels have room to play. Your guardian angel helps you find a place when you feel there is no place to go. Whenever you feel lonely, a special angel drops in for tea. Angels are with you every step of the way and help you soar with amazing grace. After all, we are angels in training; all we have to do is spread our wings and fly! <3 1.18.05 <3
Current Mood: devastated
Current Music: Gary Jules~ Mad World
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03:24 pm
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I Just Wanna Live. . . .
There is wayyyyyy too much to talk about so im just gonna forget about it all lol. People who have been there know wut happened. I loved going to the studio w/ the boys and going to their show. They were sooo nice on New Years. The city w/ the girls was amazing i had soooo much fun ( thanks Ali). Hmmmm hungout w/ patrick always awesome! I think Kevin likes me hehehehe awww. uuugggghhhhh i dont really know wut else to say. OH i saw peter he came to see me. It makes me sooo happy to see and talk to him. Its like instant comfort. He always seems to be there at the right moment. Had a good long talk w/kim the last few nights through the morning. Im having some problems lately. I apparently hold too much in. I love being ignored! As Jenn says " yo fuck that nigga!" lol. . . . and ps i love Jenn and Dave awwwwww. Lately boys are in and out of my mind faster then i can remember their names. My mom called me a band hoe cute huh? lol. But im not into the band memebers its more their friends and their friends friends lol. But i cant seem to keep the feeling on them its like awww hes soo cute and im all goo goo gaa gaa then im like poof ok and im done. I give up chidz. I miss mel she is sick still and i have forgotten wut my blond friend looks like... well at least i remeber she is blond lol. I am soooo weird lately. I cant remember certian things and i cant seem to describe it either lol. Like i answered in the quiz last night im happy on the outside and sad on the inside. and its YOUR fault thats right YOU! lol just kidding ;) <---- (wink face). And i seem to be really angry like all grrrrrrrr and im staying to myself but i need to break outta that before i get bad ( bad isnt good lol). Wow for someone who wasn't going to really write about anything i seems to fill up this w/ enough bullshit.
p.s im obcessed w/ HA's beating heart baby ( even tho the cd that someone made for me sucks cause it cut it out) and GC 's I just Wanna Live
So would I be out of line if I said
I miss you?
You, you want nothing to do with me
I, I don't know what to do with you
Cuz you don't know what you do to me
In spite of you
Even out of view
Still I love all of you
I do, yeah
You, you want nothing to do with me
New year same shit unless i take control and change things. . . be scared when you turn around and im not there. It will be the loneliest feeling you will ever encounter. Think about that and get back to me.....
hmmm maybe Kim's right and i am angry and hold too much in lol
Current Mood:  crusty
Current Music: Good Charlotte~ I Just Wanna Live ( dancing)
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02:34 pm
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so mike wall sucks major ass. . . .
so much has happened but i dont feel like writing about it. One thing that pissed me off was seeing mike and jess at applebee's last night and both of them ignoring us after making eye contact. THEY FUCKING SUCK AND MAKE ME SICK! FUCK YOU!
"Not The Same"
Think of all the things I do
And I still hold the thought of you
With someone else I know its true so faraway
And I can only hold my breath
And start to die a lonely death
With you and me and all the rest so faraway
Don't say I told you so
One thing you'll never know
You're not the same
You've changed
I don't need you anyway
You're not the person
That I believed in yesterday
You're not the same
You've changed
I don't need you anyway
You're not the person
That I believed in yesterday
I can't hold it back you see
I know it all comes back to me
You must have practiced hard to be so faraway
Never wanted me to show
Just write me off I let you go
And now there's more for you to know
So faraway
Don't say I told you so
One thing you'll never know
You're not the same
You've changed
I don't need you anyway
You're not the person
That I believed in yesterday
You're not the same
You've changed
Something's missing anyway
You're not the person
That I believed in yesterday
That I believed in yesterday
Don't say I told you so
One thing you'll never know
You're not the same
You've changed
I don't need you anyway
You're not the person
That I believed in yesterday
You're not the same
You've changed
I don't need you anyway
You're not the person
That I believed in yesterday
That I believed in yesterday
THE END
Current Mood: cranky
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06:04 pm
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I figured out something about myself. . . . .
I dunno wuts going on w/ me lately i dunno maybe thats a lie maybe i do. I just feel like sooo much has been thrown at me and im just supose to be able to handel it like im a robot. I think sometimes people forget and overlook that i am a person with feelings. For once i would like someone to think about me and do something nice and selfless for me like i do for them. This doesnt apply to everyone. Today my chids kim and mel brought me presents and hungout w/ me just to make me smile and so im no sooo alone like i have been. I was talking to kim last night on the phone and i said that almost all of the time im around people im feel alone and very detached even tho im apart of everything and not left out at all. I think i have always been like that and that sometimes its not such a bad thing but at times makes me fustraited. I dont want that feeling i just wanna feel like i belong. Maybe its cause im soo content just being by myself. In a way im like that cause possibly i feel its safer to be alone. There is no one there is leave me or disappoint me. This last week as i have said has been hell for me. I just want to thank the few who really did care and showed it more then once i love you: kim,mel,ali,and sara. They are there for me and call me and come to see me just cause they care and love me and thats a good feeling. And the few who have let me down ruine the good mood or feelings i have due to the good friends. I guess i saw that i dont have as many friends as i thought. And it hurts worse then it normally would cause i love these people more then anything and would do anything for them. I feel like their words are empty and im scared there leaveing my life just as many have before. And that they see this happening but dont really seem to wanna stop it as if im not that important to them right now. And wut i think i hate about this the most is that im not the kind of person to hold onto people who arent adding anything to my life. And i hate the person that i am right now cause i just cant let go of them. For some reason i dont want to and i just cant even tho everyday they continue the same things they do over and over it takes a piece of me. and i dont wanna lose myself it was hard enough to find myself at all so far. Your killing me. . . isn't that sad. . . . not even just a little? And i have no control its all in their hands i want my life, my heart , my head, my bitchy attidude back, and at least half of my cold heart... enough for now i can go on forever.. im gonna go talk to my South African Barbie lol.... ill just leave with some quotes i liked
"Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It's a lot easier to be angry at someone that it is to tell them you're hurt."
"Sticks and stones are hard on bones, aimed with angry art, words can sting like anything but silence breaks the heart."
"Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be."
Current Mood: lost
Current Music: Hawthorne Heights~ Ohio Is For Lovers
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10:53 pm
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One Seriously Bad Week. . . . .
well its been a not so hot week. I almost died and some of the people i love the most left me alone when i needed them the most... well that wasnt cool but i don't feel like talking about it anymore. . . im moving on ....Awsome song and these lyrics made me cry one happy and one sad tear
I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?
~Keane
Current Mood: sick
Current Music: Killradio~ Do You Know
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02:56 am
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And your nothing but a memory.....how does that make you feel?
So I had a shitty Thanksgiving and well lets just say the quote " adding insult to injury" applies to me ohh so much right now
So this is odd,
the painful realization that has all gone wrong.
And nobody cares at all,
and nobody cares at all.
So you buried all your lover's clothes
and burned the letters lover wrote,
but it doesn't make it any better.
Does it make it any better?
And the plaster dented from your fist
in the hall where you had your first kiss
reminds you that the memories will fade.
So this is strange,
our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance
where nobody leads at all,
where nobody leads at all.
And the picture frames are facing down
and the ringing from this empty sound
is deafening and keeping you from sleep.
And breathing is a foreign task
and thinking's just too much to ask
and you're measuring your minutes by a clock that's blinking eights.
This is incredible.
Starving, insatiable,
yes, this is love for the first time.
Well you'd like to think that you were invincible.
Yeah, well weren't we all once before we felt loss for the first time?
Well this is the last time.
Honestly as Weezer says, " SCREW THIS SHIT I'VE HAD IT!"
p.s. In reality a butterfly is nothing more then a bug which you kill with the bottom of your shoe and throw out.....
Yesterday I went outside
With my momma’s mason jar
Caught a lovely butterfly
When I woke up today
Looked in on my fairy pet
She had withered all away
No more sighing in her breast
I’m sorry for what I did
I did what my body told me to
I didn’t mean to do you harm
Everytime I pin down what I think I want it slips away
The ghost slips away
Smell you on my hand for days
I can’t wash away your scent
If I’m a dog then you’re a bitch
I guess you’re as real as me
Maybe I can live with that
Maybe I need fantasy
Life of chasing butterfly
I’m sorry for what I did
I did what my body told me to
I didn’t mean to do you harm
Everytime I pin down what I think I want it slips away
The ghost slips away
I told you I would return
When the robin makes his nest
But I ain’t never coming back
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
Don't bother asking me about this in the words of Mike Wall "are you over it? don't cry this is what you wanted! Isn't it? What you wanted?"
Current Mood:  gloomy
Current Music: Listening to Kim listen to DC~ Again I Go Unnoticed
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12:18 am
[Link] |
not such a bad night ( a brief rundown of my week well from thursday on through tonight) lol
So chids its been some time since i have updated this thing. Well since too much has happened ill start from monday. Blake's birthday woot woot go u yeahhh! A good and bad day at the same time. Who would think such a thing would happen to me lol. I got him a card and some balloons for his house(im too nice if i do say so myself lol). Also kim and I (lol blake) got him tickets to Boys Night Out (and him patrick). The school week went by pretty fast (as im sure some of my other friends now attending college will agree it does). Some really low points at the beginning of the week (sometimes i just don't think you understand or care cause you don't show it anymore) and then making its way back up to being pretty awesome. I bombed my math test (and i know what some of you may be thinking "im sure it wasn't that bad") let me tell you it was pretty bad i almost cried lol. Then after that i went and made my schedule for next semester. Its awesome. I made all my classes early so from monday to thursday i start at 8 am and im out by 10:50. Which will be good for me considering im getting another job w/ tutoring my cousin. I can't really remember much before thursday lol ( except the bad stuff which im trying to let go and get over it already its hard if you know the kinda person i am). Friday was an awesome day/night. I finally stayed home on my day off and slept till 10:30ish (i think). Got showered to go with Patrick to get his drum set from the 24 hour room (im upset) yes it is true e xit has broken up and i wont lie i no longer really care about certain members anymore. I wound up not going and taking my mom to get her CAR WOOT WOOT finally after a month and a half! i came home and finished getting ready and got kim and got some food. Then headed off to get Blake then Patrick for the concert. We stopped so Blake can go to coinstar (he made a substantial amount of money). We waited in line it wasn't cold so it was all good. the boys talked to some redhead kid named Anthony apparently and we were let in late. The concert was awesome i got pushed around a lot during Emery. But Blake and i met this really nice couple next to us. They were scared of the Rhino boy too lol. I got my arm smashed in by some stupid girl during B.N.O but i was really happy to see Patrick singing and smiling. Im worried about him lately (with all that's going on). I have to say can't really complain. After the show Pat drove my car home (i was too tired). We took that kid Anthony home (he used to go to HHS)after a quick stop to T-Bell. Blake went home next and myself and kim went to Patrick's for a while. We came home and there was no one for me to talk to so i went to bed watching the new Peter Pan movie (he's soo cute i have a crush lol). But i get this call from Patrick at like 1:48 am he is stuck outside the 24 hour room (he locked the keys to the room inside w/ this jacket. He called Mike and was basically told tough shit wait it out alone (mike was too busy caring about himself as usual). Patrick told me he would call me back after he called mike for the 2nd time and i passed out. I woke up this morning in a panic not knowing if he called or not. He finally got home around 3:30 am. Which brings us into saturday. I was a bum all day didn't do anything. Kristen came over straight from work. We talked and laughed which was nice. Then she went home and i got kim then ali came by. We all hung out and then called nish to make plans. So picture this Me, kim, ali, kris, and nish all singing and dancing to that's right Backstreet Boys! We did that for about two hours or longer and decided to go to the Witched Brew (I <3 that place its my new home away from home). Kirsten did NOT attend (douche bag lol). But awesome times all around. THEN lol we leave and are driving down Hempstead Turnpike and this car of hot guys pull up to us. Omg we were drooling and well so were they lol. we hit every yellow/red light with them. they told ali to roll down her window as he asked her " hey baby wuts up, you guys wanna stop and all hangout for a while?" Us being the dumb asses that we are were like " hmm sry we cant :( " Me and kim were sooo flirting w/ the passenger and the guy in the back (who i said kinda looked like Chris Vish lol). We were all smiling and waving all cute and they were giving us the heah nods and smiling back. We should have stopped omg were they hot but i dunno guess not? lol..... and now im here listening to local emo music thinking about things.....enough for now i guess...xoxoxox
Current Mood: okay
Current Music: Daphne Loves Derby~ Come Winter
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11:53 pm
[Link] | Well I did this one a while ago but it would be interesting to see the answers now...got it from kim who got it from mel....xoxox
1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
2. Am I loveable?
3. What makes you feel this way?
4. When and how did we first meet?
5. What was your first impression?
6. Do you still think that way about me now?
7. What do you think my weakness is?
8. What do you think my strength is?
9. What makes me happy?
10. What makes me sad?
11. What reminds you of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. How well do you know me?
14. When's the last time you saw me?
15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
16. Do you think I could kill someone?
17. Describe me in one word.
18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
20. Last words?
Current Mood:  indescribable
Current Music: Fallout Boy~ Saturday
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09:54 pm
[Link] | a poem a little bird sent me:
a lama backed into a corner
a girl kicked off a horse
the boy a former
best freind who has taken the wrong course
and just asks for frogiveness
a girl with a heart of gold
a girl that is already dearly missed
and she hasnt even left this fold
in the map of my life
a girl who i cnat live without
a girl who has the prettest smiel on the block
if it ever shows up..i doubt
this will do any good, and there is no shock
to this apology, there is no smile left in this girl
but there is a shit load of fight left in the boy
he will kick his way back into the heart of this great girl
if it kills him, because the joy
on her face could keep him alive
for a million years
..a boy that would kill to keep that joy alive
a girl filled with fears
of rejection this boy just wants to be in the journal and feel comfy
in the bed of this gal who dries his tears
it is a lovely
feeling when someone stops the fears
who stops the pain
who brings your smile
who is your main
source of love..i coudl feel you from a mile
away..i can feel your eyes right now
wet with the tears i carried on this back
that hurts from holding up pedastils that dont belong, this foul
person you treat so well,he is dead due to lack
of love..going out not coming in
and the old boy hurts
because he was torn from his girl not in
body but in the spirit he loves o so much..
What should this girl think/do?.....let me hear your thoughts on this poem please
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: DC~ The Brilliant Dance
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04:07 am
[Link] | So if anyone has a problem with me at least do me the courtesy of talking to me about it not my friends. . . . i hate that more then anything!
Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: nothing
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07:33 pm
[Link] | this was kinda fun haven't done one in a while....
+ known as: Chantalle, Chan ,chon. joe, llama, kiddo, pumpkin pie, STIFFMYSTER... the list goes on lol
+ age: 18
+ lives in: Hicksville
+ birthday: 4.23.1986
+ school: C.W Post
+ religion: Catholic
+ hair color: dark brown( some even say Black but its not!)
+ eye color: dark brown, light brown, and somtimes hazel ( depends on my mood)
+ style: chillaxed
+ fears: losing all the people i care about and snakes ( eww)
+ tan or white: umm im kinda brown, never white, and sorta yellow in the winter
SECTION 2 HAVE YOU EVER...
+ fallen off the bed?: when don't i fall off the bed ( 4th of july lol)
+ fallen for a relative?: ewww god no this isn't Kentuckey
+ broke someone`s heart?: doubtful
+ had your heart broken?: More then once it seems to be a pattern in my life ( funny but not)
+ had a dream come true?: yea but its weird hard to explain ( not the ones i wish for)
+ done something you regret?: absolutly
+ cheated on a test?: kinda it was a group effort (muahahaha)
SECTION 3 CURRENTLY...
+ wearing?: jeans, green and white tank top,black zip up, and my new black vans woot woot
+ listening to?: A.F.I- The Leaving Song ( quite emo but wut else is new lol)
+ located?: bedroom
+ chatting with?: no one
+ watching?: nothing im listening dont like to do both
+ should REALLY be doing?: finishing getting ready and head off to school
SECTION 4 DO YOU...
+ brush your teeth?: yuppers in the am and the pm and sometimes in the middle
+ like anybody? there is sadly that one person you will never quite get over and then there are just some passing crushes
+ have any piercing?: ears thats it im no rebel apparently ( even tho i wanted my eyebrow done)
+ drive?: for about two years now
+ smoke?: DEF NOT
+ got a cell phone?: yes i do
+ got a pager?: i had my mom's old one from SmartBeep like back in the day for like i week
SECTION 5 FRIENDS...
+ Who is your best?: Kim and Patrick
+ Who do you hate?: i don't like the word "hate" but there are pleanty of people on my " strongly dislike list" (lol kim)
+ Who is the shyest?: I would have to say Kristen and Kim (come on girls lol)
+ Who is the most talkative?: maybe me not too sure on that one
+ Who is the cutest?: im not gonna lie my friends are a pretty cute bunch
+ Who laughs the most?: we all laugh when were together but i seem to laugh at everything hehe
+ Who have you known the longest?: kim, pat, nessa, heather, and many more lol
+ Who have you known the shortest?: Blake i think
+ Who do you miss the most?: Patrick, Kim, Mike, Blake, Pete, Even Ant, Kristen, Kelli, Ali, Mel, Jen... lol the list goes on i kinda always miss everyone lol
+ Who do you turn to for personal problems?: Kim, Jen, Mel, and Ali
+ Do you hang out with the opposite sex? one of my best friends is from the other side lol
+ Are you a good friend? i would hope so. . .
+ Can you keep a secret? im pretty good at it
SECTION 6 THE LAST PERSON YOU...
+ Hugged?: mommy
+ Kissed?: kissed Devan
+ IMed? eddie
+ Talked to on the phone? nessa
+ Yelled at? a stalker
SECTION 7 PERSONAL...
+ What do you want to be when you grow up? a kindergarten teacher :) aww too cute
+ What has been the best day of your life? honestly im not too sure the summer before sr year was pretty awsome
+ What comes first in your life? my loved ones
+ Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush?: nope!
+ What do you usually think about before you go to bed?: omg wayyy too much sometimes its hard to fall asleep
+ Have you ever lost someone you really loved?: sadly that's why its one of my biggest fears
+ Love your family?: with all my heart
+ Love your friends? my friends are my family
SECTION 8 FAVORITE...
+ Movie: It used to be Fight Club but things change ehh i love every moive im obsessed with them
+ Song: I have a new favorite every day
+ Group: Ummm prob Green Day
+ Store: Old Navy i guess
+ Relative: nope love em all
+ Sport: boxing and hockey
+ Ice cream Flavor: anything with Peanutbutter
+ Fruit: bananna's and grapes
+ Food: prob mac and cheese
+ Candy: gummy worms anything gummy
+ Holiday: Halloween/Chirstmas
+ Day of the Week: Friday nights
+ Time: night
+ Color: blue
+ Name for a Girl: Kaylen and Emma
+ Name for a Boy: Anthony and Peter awww
+ Quote: " just say it just say it... FUCK(SUCK*) ME BEAUTIFUL!" i can't believe i said FUCK ME lol mel: "wuts on your mind chan?"
SECTION 9 DO YOU...
+ Like to give hugs? i used to hate them but now its only for certian people im opening up to them
+ Like to give kisses? hmm yea any takers?
+ Like to walk in the rain? i love walking in the rain
+ Prefer black or blue pens? i like the color blue but i like to write in black
+ Like to travel? traveling is def in my future....i would love to spend some time in England ( maybe even live there)
+ Sleep on your side, tummy or back?: i have to fall asleep on my tummy but move wayy too much
+ Have a goldfish? i had one :(
+ Ever have the falling dream? ya .. ahh the other night i was like nooo
+ Have stuffed animals? Malamar and woot woot Binky( the lamb is mine jojo!)
SECTION 10 WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT...
+ Abortion: i feel everyone women has their choice
+ Bill Clinton: like him dont care about who sucks his dick
+ Smoking: can i say ewwwww
+ Eating Disorders: its sad
+ Suicide: hard topic for me
+ Summer: too hot
+ Tattoos: i like them but not everywhere and everyone
+ Piercings: not too bad sometimes scary ( uglypeople.com mel and kim lol) i wanted my eyebrow
+ Make-up: too much is not a good thing i dont wear much ever
SECTION 11 THIS OR THAT...
+ Pierced nose or tongue? tongue
+ Single or taken? single
+ MTV or BET? mtv
+ 7th Heaven or Dawson's Creek? Dawson's Creek ( Pacey's Creek lol heather)
+ Sugar or salt? sugar
+ Silver or gold? silver
+ Chocolate or flowers? flowers
+ Color or Black-and-white photos? color but black and white's are classic
+ M&M's or Skittles? M&M's
+ Stay up late or sleep in?: sleep in
+ Hot or cold? cold
+ Sun or moon? moon
+ Left or Right? right
+ 10 Acquaintances or one best friend? one best friend
+ Mustard or ketchup? ketchup or mustard or mixed hehehe
+ Spring or Fall? both lol
+ Happy or sad? im always both at them same time lol
+ Wonder or amazement? amazement
+ McDonald's or Burger King?: BK
+ Spanish or Italian food? Italian but also like Spanish
+ Lights on or off? off
+ Candy or soda? soda
+ Pepsi or Coke? don't care
Current Mood:  flirty
Current Music: Sir Mix-A-Lot~ Baby's Got Back
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